Psychological Shadow in Romantic Relationships.

There was once a story of a girl who on her way to meet her boyfriend saw beautiful strawberries. The strawberries were so striking that she thought her boyfriend, who spent his days working remotely from home, would enjoy them. But a sudden thought passed her mind and she decided that there was no need to buy her man such things as strawberries.

Upon arriving at his place, they had a quarrel which involved the girl complaining that the boy was not texting and calling her enough. That the boy could spend the whole day without reaching out and that she was just a girl who needed the attention from her man.

You see, most modern relationships, as classic psychologists from the school of Carl Jung teach, are built on the basis of projections. Projections happen when we fail to acknowledge that we have negative traits that are not socially acceptable with us. Projection is a process by which one unknowingly ascribes their own traits and emotions to another.

Psychologists from the less popular school of Jung tend to believe that when two people fall in love, it is mostly based on projections. Projections originate from the part of our minds which we want nothing to do with. This part is called the shadow, and Psychology Today contributor defines it as our psychological blindspot.

That means that most people in relationships have expectations which can be unreal sometimes. The most common expectation I have seen in my years of romantic experience specifically as a dude is that most girls expect undivided attention to the point that if you do not do that, the relationship becomes chaotic and can even end purely because of that. Sure, it is good to send messages and call a girl at night, but failing or lacking to do that does not mean that your interest has faded. And I like to see these unrealistic expectations as the biggest dating problem.

So what is the solution to this modern dating problem?

I started this email with a story which I also want to conclude with.

The girl who felt the urge to buy strawberries for her boyfriend and then refused to do it ended up quarreling with him upon arriving at his house. Why did that happen? My simple diagnosis based on Jungian psychology is that she ascribed her ability to ignore things which matter in relationship to her boyfriend and thought that it was the guy ignoring her all day.

And I am not saying the guy is off the hook. But I am saying that if only she had bought those strawberries, maybe upon arrival, there would not have been a quarrel. And maybe it would send a message to the guy to randomly check on her in the future. But she thought the guy did not need them and went to visit empty handed, only to have a bad time. She ignored that unknowingly and it is safe to say that maybe the guy also unknowingly ignored calling or checking on her during the day because he is busy at work.

So if Jungian psychology is to be believed, the solution to most dating problems lies in remembering that the human mind is largely incomprehensible.

And that part which we tend to never pay attention to is called the shadow. We know only little about ourselves and the people we are dating. It is actually foolish to think that you know someone even if fundamentally you can read their patterns. Carl Jung school of dating teaches that when we find ourselves projecting, it is better to take back those projections and work them out. And guess what, making love or having sex with real feeling is one way to work out that shadow. Who knows, maybe the guy and girl ended up having steamy sex after the quarrel…

In your own thoughts, how do you think these projections can be worked out? Reply to this email and let me know.

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